I don’t know what to do. I’m just aimlessly wandering around. I don’t like it.
Things with this kid aren’t going to work out. figures. My roommate and I both want to do the same song for our first solo assignment. I’m feeling the most alone and misunderstood I have all school year.
1. Stop spending money frivolously. I do not need stupid one dollar apps like Angry Birds or Sneezies. 2. No reading too far into things when it comes to my future at this school. Shit happens and what’s done is done. Nothing I can do about it. Freaking out is pointless.
"I’ll never be A knight in armor With a sword in hand, Or a kamikaze fighter. Don’t count on me To storm the barricades And take a stand, Or hold my ground. You’ll never see Any scars or wounds. I don’t walk on coals. I won’t walk on water.
I am no prince. I am no saint. I am not anyone’s wildest dream. But I can stand behind And be someone to fall back on.
Some comedy, You’re bruised and beaten down And I’m the one Who’s looking for a favor. Still, honestly, You don’t believe me But the things I have Are the things you need. You look at me Like I don’t make sense, Like a waste of time, Like it serves no purpose.
I am no prince, I am no saint, And if that’s what you believe you need, You’re wrong. You don’t need much, You need someone to fall back on…
And I’ll be that. I’ll take your side. If I’m the only one, I’m used to that. I’ve been alone. I’d rather be The half of us, The least of you, The best of me. And I will be
Your prince, I’ll be your saint, I will go crashing through fences In your name. I will, I swear, I’ll be someone to fall back on! I’ll be the one who waits And for as long as you’ll let me, I will be the one you need. I’ll be someone to fall back on. Your prince, Your saint, The one you believe you need I’ll be - I’ll be Someone to fall back on.”
I somehow found myself on Orange Shirt’s facebook page again tonight. I’ve somehow gone two days without take a gander over to his page.
Do you ever miss someone so much that you forget it’s been months since you last saw them?
Is that weird?
For a flash of a second I forgot that he was on the other side of the nation and not forty-five minutes away. For a flash of a second, I thought I was going to see him tomorrow.
I don’t know why I torture myself by looking at his pictures. I really don’t know.
I guess I’m pretty much a mess right now.
Publicly I’m priding myself on the fact that I’ve hooked up with someone every night for the past four nights. Honestly though, I’m not getting anything out of it. I just feel like a slut.
I’m looking for some sort of reassurance… or approval…. or worth…. or some shit like that. Well it’s not fucking working. I keep telling myself that I’m just having fun and want to feel good. Too bad I have yet to feel anything positive after the events. I’m either not good enough or they’re not good enough… either outcome makes ME feel shitty.
And then I find feeling even shittier because the one person I want more than ANYTHING in the world right now couldn’t be further away from me. Both, physically and emotionally.
He’s literally in my dreams… often. And that’s the closest I think I’m ever going to be to him for a long time… or ever. Fuck these dreams. They play with your mind. You have your dreams where everything seems fucking loopy and crazy and you think you’re on acid and they just don’t seem real. And then you have the dreams that are so casual and real. Nothing out of the ordinary is happening… but at the same time, nothing is ordinary. But they are so real! Because he’s just making me breakfast. Or we’re just laying in bed. Or we’re just driving to my parents’ house. Or he’s just complaining about his boss. But this just won’t ever happen.
God, I look at his pictures and all the sensory memories come fucking blasting back into my skull. His deodorant. His skin. His lips. The way he says Orange. His cute little fuckin’ plaid shirt. The ecstacy that flowed through my veins every moment we hung out.
Yeah… I’m that creepy. This post is creepy. Adoration is creepy.